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Things We Know Will Happen in 2009/10

By | 10th August 2009

seppThis coming season promises to be the most exciting in years. Of course, every coming season promises to be the most exciting in years. This is one of the many truisms of English Football. Last season we gaped open mouthed as Manchester City clumsily wooed Global Franchise Entities with the promise of dreams and Ferrero Rocher. We willed on plucky Villa as they threatened to break the Big 4′s bear hug on the Champions League places and contemplated the consequences to sensitive ear drums everywhere should Liverpool’s first title in 19 years come to pass. As it transpired however, equilibrium was restored to the universe and the Big 4 took the spoils again, complete with yet another Manchester United victory.

As we gear up for start of 09/10, the only true New Year that matters, we’re left wondering whether City will strike it lucky at Middle Eastlands this year, whether United will miss the sharp shots and short shorts of CR9 (nee 7), whether the League will miss the constant messianic prophesies emanating from St. James’ Park and whether Glen Johnson will finally add that ‘Cantona Factor’ to Anfield.

We can be comforted however, by the fact there are still some things which are guaranteed. Some things never change in English football and some things are certain to prove irresistible to the cruel hand of fate. So as we ready ourselves for the grand opening, we can be pretty sure to witness these.

The Kids are Alright: The Arsenal under 16s will beat a lower league side in the Carling Cup in impressive fashion and be lauded as the greatest thing since Alcopops, only to lose to a top 4 side later in the League and be labeled rubbish. This will lead to much inner turmoil at Arsenal, with Wenger being linked to Madrid (who will have conceded 400 goals by Christmas) while the board claim there is money to spend but Wenger hasn’t found the right player yet. This of course is most likely due to his crippling inability to ‘see’ things. Something he’ll continue to be afflicted by this season.

Hey, Teacher! Leave those kids alone: Sepp Blater and/or Michael Platini will make some kind of disparaging comment about the evil juggernaut that is English Football whilst ignoring the numerous instances of violence, overt racism and dodgy transfer dealings that are occurring in Italy & Spain. In addition, a preposterous rule will be proposed by Blatter, along the lines of all traveling English fans should have to wear yellow stars to identify themselves.

Prodigal Son: Michael Owen will score against Liverpool. This is bound to happen, life is just like this. On the flip side, it is just as likely he will then collapse to the ground in agony 100 meters from the nearest player and be out for the rest of the season.

Mr Writer. Why don’t you tell it like it really is?: The first time Manchester United win a game, one or more of the Tabloids will run with the headline ‘Who Needs Ronaldo?’. Upon loosing, or drawing against a lesser team, the headline’s in all papers will be variations on ‘United Miss Ronaldo Factor’. This is 100% certain.

Get Back to where you once belonged: Harry Redknapp will attempt to buy at least one more former Portsmouth player in the January Transfer Window. Failing that, he’ll opt for a former West Ham starlet. Failing that, he’ll drag Jamie out of retirement. Failing that he’ll blame the BBC for everything.

You can’t always get what you want: Carlos Tevez will play less games than last season. Man City’s bizarre transfer strategy has seen them acquire at least 30 strikers and at some point Mark Hughes will realize he can’t fit them all into the starting XI. The chances of little Carlos accumulating more games than the 33 starts and 16 sub appearances he made for United last year are slim.

Reach for the stars: One of the newly promoted sides will make an early push for the top end of the table leading to ludicrously over elaborate praise for their manager. This form will end around November when they’ll plummet back into the bottom half whereupon everyone will ask ‘what went wrong?’ when in fact they’re now at about the level they should be.

Mr Vain: A mighty battle of wills will erupt whenever Graeme Souness and Glen Hoddle are in the same Sky Studio. Souness will mark his territory, as always, by sprawling sexually across his pundits chair as both vie for the title of the most completely correct and unswervingly right pundit in every sense in the world ever. This fearsome battle will most likely claim the life of the 3rd pundit (often Ruud Gullit) whose input will be relegated to completely insignificant despite the fact they probably have the most interesting things to say. The battle will be void if Ray Wilkins is in attendance as he will stare them both into obedience.

Lucky Man: Frank Lampard will score at least 15 goals. 10 of them will be deflected

Sympathy for the Devil: Ashely Cole will continue to be hated by everyone so long as he continues to be Ashley Cole.

The Waiting Game: One crucial England player (probably Wayne Rooney) will get injured towards the end of the season leading to much hand wringing and nail biting as to whether they’ll make the World Cup. The tabloids will run ridiculously over the top ‘get well soon’ campaigns on their front pages as Children’s Hospitals are torpedoed in 3rd World Countries, while ex players and pundits get ready to explain how England will never win the World Cup without him. This is also 100% certain and may include an optional ‘Pray for him’ center page pull out in The Sun.

Money can’t buy me love: Every famous player along with the entire cast of Lost will be linked with Manchester City in the January Transfer Window. None of them will sign and they’ll get someone from Wigan instead.

The Winner takes it all: Gareth Bale will play on the winning side in a Premier League game. Well it has to happen sometime doesn’t it?

I still haven’t found, what I’m looking for: One young English Manager will be sacked from a mid-lower table club despite being given precisely no time to make any kind of impact what so ever. This will lead to endless punditry on the plight of English Managers and the instant results culture of modern football. Also, everyone will again fail to notice that Martin O’Neil plays boring long ball football up to a big man and laud him as the only possible successor to Ferguson/Capello/Ancelotti/Jesus.

You where always on my mind: Mind games will occur. If they don’t, the media will claim they did anyway.

So as we settle down to begin our year long obsession once again, remember, nothing is certain in life…but somethings are guaranteed in English Football. I wouldn’t have it any other way.



Reader Comments

The below views are those of our readers and do not reflect the opinions of Premiership Talk or its employees.
  1. Zain Alvi says:

    Haha, well, the only way my sense of humor could have possibly failed was had I been kidding in the first place…but unlike your article, my comment just reflected a solid fact about Frankie Lampard's effective game.

    If you don't trust me, then try sending me a proof that two-thirds of Lampard's all-time goals are deflected. Obviously, you will never succeed at proving that, which means you might as well do a crash course in basic math…not sure if that could help your football judgment too much though ;)

  2. Oscar Pye-Jeary says:

    You should probably see a doctor Zain…I think your sense of humor just failed

  3. Zain Alvi says:

    I hope you were kidding about Lampard getting most of his goals through deflections. The football audience has been a complete parasite towards Lampard and this "deflection theory" is yet another rubbish propaganda to hold back possibly the most effective player in the league.

    That's right – the word is effective, not "skilled" or "gifted", but effective. So even though Lampard is just scoring powerful goals from long distances and mysteriously being accused of deflections on top of that, one thing that will never change is that Lampard will always be effective, not lucky as you suggest.

    It would be great to see you add that to your list of inevitables in the coming season: Lampard will be the one of the most effective players in the Premier League.

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